Episode 75 - Another

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Welcome back to the podcast. To a podcast that may not have anything else to say. If it ever had anything to say.

Okay, that’s a little harsh. Even for me. Or it could be. It might depend on how it is you judge something like that, what standards you employ. And when you think about standards, there’s one that comes to mind, right? There’s one above all others. There’s one specific one that you feel tempted to invoke. Or you want to invoke it. You know there is authority in doing so, which means if it can align with your vision or understanding, then ultimately you have the right to carry the day. Not that you will necessarily, but it is somewhat more likely than the alternative. 

I’m talking, of course, about objective standards. Or objectivity in some other form. That’s the golden standard. The thing we’re all taught to appeal to or listen to. It’s a perspective that is supposed to be completely removed from the individual and all the biases they may or may not have. It is almost like a stand-in for the more common depictions of deities and the divine, that all knowing presence that really can’t be wrong. 

The impulse is understandable, truly. Children look to parents when they are in need. We, presumably, as adults might look to something above and beyond them in the same way. It’s the same mechanism but the direction is not so obvious. 

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There was one episode where the lighting was absolutely terrible. Think about the common complaints levied against certain Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon episodes where you could scarcely see anything unless you turned your brightness all the way up. Which seems like a simple solution, I will grant, but there are drawbacks, certainly, particularly when the episode ended and one had to jump into the next thing. 

But that was very recently. This episode of this unnamed show would have been maybe two decades ago. And while I’m sure you could change the brightness setting on a TV back then,  it feels harder somehow. Like it was a bigger ask. 

And anyway, this was a show for kids, so how would a kid know to mess with the settings? Should a kid even mess with the settings?

But maybe it didn’t matter, though. The eyes–especially those that are very young and nimble–can always adjust. 

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I spent some time trying to figure out what the objective standards would say about this podcast, but I couldn’t come up with anything. And I want to still believe that those standards exist, but they aren’t painfully obvious, either way. They require a degree of discernment, though you might know it as that conscious choice to step out of yourself and out of your perspective. That’s the step we always reference when lessons about objectivity come up. And I agree it’s important. But at the same time, you have to know where to put your foot down, don’t you? You have to see where the ground is. And I think that’s the part I struggle with.

What is level ground in a world as ambiguous as ours? Where the ground constantly shifts with various debates that intersect in ways no one seems to notice. Or no one else but me seems to notice.

I feel like I’m looking at the world with different glasses, through lenses I was given to amuse some wizard but have no parallel elsewhere. I am the only one who sees things like this. Or at least, everyone else is able to make due. They can see past the illusion and know not to complain about it.

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Even still, even through the darkness, there was some movement. It was hard to recognize at first as Jade just appeared in this new world. She had a highlighter, which you might think would work as a flashlight, but it also didn’t. It should have, but as it stood, Jade was left to wander through this darkened forest alone, searching for something to do or someone to help. 

She had just been at home, if memory serves. That was the scene before this one. She was at home when she saw someone loading up the family car. Presumably, they were just running an errand. Or that was what Jade assumed. Or maybe it was something else. It couldn’t have been about going to work or going to any place where a child would not belong and would know they didn’t belong because of how normal and established that fact was.

Jade has a reason to think there is space for her in that car, even though she was not invited and no one even saw she was there. No one ever saw she was there. So it didn’t mean anything here. 

That is why Jade snuck into the car, into the backseat behind the driver, while the driver climbed into the car. There was a passenger too. In total, a man and a woman got into the car. I can’t remember who was where. And that’s completely understandable, frankly. We didn’t really see much of them. We were focused instead on our protagonist, the hero who should not have been. 

We watched Jade as she darted about, escaping from the house and slipping into the car. Her motions were quick and precise. It was almost a bit in and of itself as she moved about. There was a message there. That was part of it, that stealth and ability. We were supposed to know that Jade could get herself anywhere unnoticed. But that seemed like a moot point when there was no one there to notice her.

And it feels like a case in a single point, but the car entered the forest with Jade still in it. The car passed through some portal into this other world. The mechanics of that transition were never fully explained to the audience. But somehow, amidst all of that, Jade fell loose. And she was suddenly alone.

(Music fades out and new music fades in) 

In some ways, this show doesn’t matter. If I can’t figure out what it’s called or I never see it again, the world will move on. I will move on, and eventually I’ll forget, and this memory won’t gnaw at my mind anymore. 

But I still think it does matter somehow, even if rationality tells me it doesn’t. I think every story has something it’s trying to communicate: a message of some sort, and that message needs to be heard. So there is something there, but it is just beneath the surface. You have to go looking for it, but it’s still worth searching for.  

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Jade was alone, again. This time it was in a dark forest with thin trees towering overhead. Or that’s how they were drawn. And that’s probably how they would have felt to a small child who always had to crane her neck up to see the rest of the world. So in that way it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Neither was her being alone.

Except on those adventures there was supposed to be someone there, right? There was supposed to be a companion or someone of the world who was meant to guide her. 

But Jade didn’t see them right away. So she started walking. And initially she was confident she was going to find such a person. Initially, she wanted to believe this was just going to be an ordinary episode. But it wasn’t. Clearly. She was alone. Entirely alone. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

At the end of the day, I can simplify the push and pull in my mind. It’s a should I or should I not. Should I tell this story or should I not. Should I open these wounds or should I leave them closed.

And really, this entire time, I’ve just been straddling this line. That’s the problem. And it should be easy to solve, but it isn’t. 

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Jade kept walking, moving through the darkness with fear and trepidation but still moving. What else was she to do? There was no going back until she… well, earned it.

And that’s a terrible way of phrasing that. Should a child have to earn something so fundamental to their well being? Obviously not. But it’s a show. The laws of decency don’t entirely apply. Or not in the ways you want them to.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Was it despite or because of the ambiguity that I ended up making this podcast? I don’t even know. I mean, when it comes to making podcasts, no one will stop you. Maybe some creators should have been stopped. Maybe they shouldn’t. It’s not up to anyone. 

And that has been liberating, I have to say. For all the hurdles I run into in my life. At least I am in control of my own fate and tongue, despite how indecisive I am.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

After a minute or two of on screen walking–and a few transitions that were likely meant to denote the passage of time–exhaustion started to set in. Understandably. That was a lot of walking, but as the camera zoomed onto Jade’s face, the audience was led to believe that it wasn’t just the walking that she found exhausting. It was also the darkness and the accompanying sense of dread and despair that loomed with every step. Her tolerance to that was fading quickly. Or it was fading at the expected rate for a child. But there was more than that.

There was also the weight of being alone. Which is harder to describe. It’s something some people have the great misfortune of feeling. I personally have had a great misfortune of feeling it. So I know it when I see it even when I’m looking through my mind’s eye. But you might not. And if so, I’m happy for you. Truly. I just wish I could say the same.

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When it comes to this podcast, there is the obvious value in that I am a voice that is attached to a person. And you get to listen to said voice that you know is attached to a person. Not to be too parasocial, of course. But loneliness well and truly sucks. It’s a brutal pain. And I can’t really fault anyone for the measures they take to avoid it. It would be a bit hypocritical if I did. 

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There was no problem. At least not right away. And not the obvious ones. But certain plot beats have to be hit at or before certain minute marks. That’s how you ensure a story can move on and not drag on indefinitely. Pacing is an art form, of course. It’s certainly one I haven’t mastered. But when you are living in a story, when it is your reality, that need for pacing takes on a different feeling. Because what does it mean when you don’t hit that beat? 

For Jade, it means you solve your own problem. You take your orange highlighter and draw yourself a friend. And for a child who has never had a human friend, you draw the only sort of friend you’ve ever known. A teddy bear, kept pristine because you couldn’t trust you would ever have another one if that one was too hurt. 

And that’s not what most children do. Or what any child wants to do. But neglect will absolutely warp someone’s brain. Especially a young one

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Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please leave a review, tell a friend, or post about it on some mysterious online forum. You do you.