Episode 76 - Recurrence

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Welcome back to the podcast. A podcast that is barely holding it together. But I suppose that’s what happens when a show like this relies entirely on one person and their weak memory. That’s going to create a delicate balance at best. And this podcast is not best. Not by a long shot.

But it’s still here. I am still here. For whatever that’s worth. After all, not everyone can say that.

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Jade’s small teddy bear remained as nameless as she was. And so, I could come up with a name for it, some placeholder to make talking about the bear easier. But the bear doesn’t last long. It won’t make it to the end of the episode. So really, there wouldn’t be much of a point now would there be?

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I’ve had more existential questions on my mind, as of late. I’m sure you’re thrilled to hear that. I’m sure that’s exactly what you want to hear. Existential questions are always a hit at parties, after all. 

But at the same time, there will come a day when no one remembers not just this television show or the podcast that was heavily influenced by it or the season that tried to recount various episodes with as much detail as a fraying mind could piece together. There will come a day when none of this matters. And arguably that’s today. This has always been a small podcast, and my inconsistent nature has not helped it grow. It certainly takes away whatever appeal it might have had. 

And that was wrong of me. For so many reasons that was wrong of me. I’m sorry.

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Although, you could say that names matter not just for the ease of communication. Names identify a specific individual. Usually a person. Or a pet. Or something like that. It is essentially a pointed finger directed at the subject of your thoughts. And with that, it removes all doubt or confusion. It makes it easy to communicate, to understand, and to be heard. Names give you specificity, and in communication, specificity is power. Or rather, clarity is power, and specificity would be considered close enough. 

Proximity and approximation can be useful. But not always. Sometimes, they aren’t good enough. I know that all too well, but it hasn’t changed my actions, really. 

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A forest like that one is prime for mystery. There’s a certain type of darkness within it that happens at all hours of the day. Sure, there may be sunlight. But the sort of darkness I’m talking about is the absence of certainty or predictability. If one does not spend a lot of time in the forest, they don’t know what is going on around them, what animals might come and go or the way the foliage bends in the wind. And even those that do spend all that time can never be entirely sure. There’s a rhyme and rhythm to that domain that goes far beyond the reaches of a human mind. Those creatures who can handle it have been born into it. That world has shaped them into pieces that fit perfectly into that environment, which creates the sort of ease that we as humans will never know. 

No matter the details, whenever we find ourselves in a situation like that, we are naturally inclined to be uneasy. We feel the chill pass quickly up our spines as we struggle to comprehend that vast unknown. It’s not for us. Instinctively, we know this. As an extension of that, we know we can’t handle it. And so we turn away. Instinctively. 

And I really think that’s why the aesthetics of it can unsettle us so. There’s something universal about the unknown stoking feelings of fear and dread within us. Our reactions to such might vary. Some might feel a surge of bravery and power, motivating them to charge forward. And others might pull away. Either way, it’s a very visceral reaction. It’s a fairly powerful and motivating force. It speaks clearly in a way that everyone can understand. 

So the visuals are useful. They can convey a certain point or air. They can lead you to something, especially if you don’t have the sense to turn away. 

But there’s power in the atmosphere, in the world you paint around someone, assuming they understand your point. 

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Proximity and appropriation can be great, though. Especially if you don’t know exactly where your point is or where you need to be. It’s not everything, but it can be enough for a start. 

Or so I think. I don’t know for sure, though. I guess it might depend if you think this is just a stage or an end in and of itself. Are we moving forward after this? Or do I have to get you all the way to the end? Because I can’t do the latter. 

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Jade had what wouldn’t entirely be considered an age appropriate reaction to being in the forest. 

Okay well, I guess we don’t really know her age, do we? We just have an approximation. But if memory serves, she actually looks older in the episode than I remember seeing her. Her steps seemed more confident, her shoulders a bit stronger and able to carry more figurative weight, and her unseen expression just seemed a bit more determined than it should have been. But I might just be reading into the space. There should have been something there, after all. She should have had some sort of expression and emotion therein. But it was just the space and the implication that can often come with an absence. 

Either way, being lost in the woods should have stoked some sort of fear, right? And at her age (or most likely age), fear caused stillness or flight. And there was no clear path out of the woods. So stillness it was then. She should have been frightened, cowering in whatever pseudo-shelter she could pull together. Or even make for herself. 

She had some sort of tool. She could have done so much more than she did, so much more than make a teddy bear that was not–technically–also trapped with her in those woods. Not that the bear cared. It was the principle of the thing that should have mattered. Or it could have mattered. 

Maybe I’m just being too hard on her. She is a child after all. But I’m not inclined to think so. 

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To be honest, I don’t think I even liked this show, really. You’ve probably figured out that it wasn’t very good. And there wasn’t much about it that could be liked. I can see that. It’s still a part of me though. I am attached. In a way that doesn’t make a great deal of sense from the outside looking in.

But it’s my reality. One I cannot shake.

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Jade kept moving, kept walking. Which isn’t the sort of content that makes for good TV. Or any medium really. As a writer, I know. I sometimes struggle to effectively use time jumps. I get so caught up in the details, in the minutia of it all that every minute or second within the world of the story carries an almost unfathomable weight. And I grant that reading a work that is that full can be daunting, smothering even. But it’s a hard habit for me to break.

But, at least, with my mediums of choice being what they are, I can put material into those seconds. For this show, for Jade, the only real way to fill those seconds would have been to make us visitors into Jade’s inner world, to give her a voice, a monologue of some kind, even if it went against everything we knew as normal. 

After all, in a constantly shifting show like that one, the rules could have changed at any time. They often needed to change, in fact. But the show runners seemed very reluctant to do as much. 

I guess old habits can be hard to break. I should know, really.

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But is it all just a habit? Or was it a conscious choice? What would it mean to be able to see into Jade’s mind? Would we trust her or would we see flaws so earth shattering that we would never be able to forgive her for what she was or could never be?

I honestly don’t know. And even if the answer to that question shouldn’t matter, it does to me. But characters don’t have to be likable. Usually. But this one does. At least in my opinion. 

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The sound of a revving engine filled the screen. It wasn’t unfamiliar. We had heard it in the beginning of the episode. And at that time, it seemed interesting. It was a potential amusement, but in the course of the episode, it had turned into a lifeline. And Jade went racing towards it. She hurried towards the sound and to the twin glows of the headlights that bathed segments of trees and foliage in an unnatural aura. 

A chill shot up the spine again, but you don’t care. You are past the point of caring. You simply will Jade towards, towards what you assume has to be safety. After all, there’s another person, another sign of life that will likely be more familiar than what is around her. Even if she doesn’t know the person, they will have the same essence as her. They will be human with the same patterns, predictability, and limitations as her. 

Or so you first think. But then you see a figure standing beside the car from before. You see a familiar silhouette. But it’s not familiar to you because you saw it in the beginning of the episode. It’s familiar because you’ve seen her in other episodes. 

It’s familiar because it’s the woman. And she turns to Jade with an unmistakable fire in her eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” she snapped. 

Jade doesn’t have an answer. And neither do you. 

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Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please leave a review, tell a friend, or post about it on some mysterious online forum. You do you.