Client M2J.5S0R3 - Session 2

(Beep. Music fades in)

Okay, yes, you caught me. I have been checking in on you. Not following, okay. There's a difference. It's just not a very good one. The way I see it, “checking in” is not as sustained as following. I only drop into your world once or twice a week to see how you are doing. I'm genuinely not trying to impose on your autonomy because, yes, I understand how counterproductive that would be. And that given your life history that's a pretty serious offense. Made more serious through repetition.

But you don't really want me to talk about you right now. Fair enough. So let me tell you a bit more about me.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

A while back, I developed this mini theory about motivation. You see, the physical person represents a complex nebula of thoughts, beliefs, experiences, hopes, fears, and nightmares or dreams if you're more optimistic. But all of this is swirling together in a physical vessel that is much too small and much too limited. In fact, we barely fit sometimes. No wonder so many of us feel out of place in our own skin. Sometimes we just can't ignore how bad of a fit it is.

That last statement probably isn't going to land, and that's fine. I get it. Really I'm just laying out the groundwork for something else, something that actually matters.

Because from that observation, I realized that each and every person has a reason for thinking what they think and doing what they do. Each thought and decision is the product of that universe and its mechanisms that goes unseen. Even if something doesn't make sense to me, it probably makes sense to them and was likely the best possible outcome.

I've heard some people call it “radical relativism,” but I don't know about that terminology. Personally, I want to call it liberation. It meant not having to take things as a direct insult or compliment or hold onto anger. Or even flinch if I get cut off in traffic or snubbed somehow. With this knowledge, I can just say t is what it is, which is a potential emergency or trial in there life that led them to disregard me. And because I'll never know if their reason for what they did was good or bad one, there's no reason to obsess. I can just move on.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Now, knowing you, you think that's interesting but can't see how it's helpful right now. No, I don't know you that well. But I know you're a thoughtful person. You like intellectual pursuits like this one. But you might be saying that now isn't the time for this.

Actually it is because I mean that as a way of pointing out that my fear for you is not meant as an attack though I know you might feel that way. And if I don't clear the air we will end up having two different conversations and that will only end with you feeling even more hurt.

Please try and understand me. I am checking in on you because I am scared. And I am scared because I have been taught to be fearful, and I am incredibly exhausted. And you are inclined to take that as a slight because you've been treated like a child for far too long. Or not even a child by many standards. More like an object or a possession. Regardless of the semantics, now you feel like you need to put in extra effort or force into asserting yourself into the space that is rightfully yours.

I don't think I can fully convince you that you don't have to do this with me: me, this disembodied voice of a supposed oracle who isn't even giving you her real name.

(Pause.) Nothing about this situation is ideal, okay? Geez, I'm getting it from all sides. Look, I have not had a full night's sleep in like--eight years, at least. I'm going to need you to lower your standards quite a bit. (Pause.) Okay part of that was college, I admit. A time when I made a lot of bad decisions, many of which involved caffeine. I developed such a bad coffee habit there, which happens to be a summation of my life style and choices at that time.

Honestly, though, the last thing I need is for something to happen to the people I'm dreaming about. No matter what actually happens to them, it's always going to feel like something I could have prevented somehow. (Pause) Reality can be surprising relative. Not completely. Just in times like this.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

How have you been lately? Sorry. Word choice. Physically how have you been lately? She's been worried. You haven't quite been yourself or looked it. You look like you've been locked away from the world, not necessarily sick but sequestered. That was her word choice not mine. In fact it doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me, but it was like she was saying you’ve been locked away in some room without light, though I think she might have meant the light in your face not the light from the sun.

It’s not a great way to set up that question, I know, but this might be the form of “how are you” that you feel comfortable answering. Take deep breaths. How does that feel? Restricted in some way. Try again. And think about it. Think about the resistance. Try to identify it. It’s familiar, isn’t it? You know what that is. Can you tell me? Or do I need to say it? (Music cuts). Is that fear?

(Music fades in)

I'm not a professional anything, which I'm happy about. I don't want the responsibility that comes with patients, to be completely honest. I just want everyone to be okay. Especially you.

Do you think going into your past will help you? I mean between the two of us you would be more of an expert than I would be on what you need. Though if did want my opinion, I'm inclined to think it wouldn't help you. Largely because--well, don’t take this the wrong way--of the vibe you give off. You are very guarded but also very warm. Clearly you don't want anyone to know too much about you or your past, but you haven't given up on humanity yet. Or on her.

(Pause)

You may still, though. You haven't decided yet. Or that's what you’re telling yourself. But love isn't a decision. Things would be easier if it was, I will grant you that. There was so many times in which your life would have been so much easier if you could have made a choice. If you could have decided to love him. If you could have given him, how did they put it, a reason to love you. If you could have simply decided to stay and play pretend when he made his choices. His choices that could have been framed as an extension of you and yours. They often were. Wrongly, I'd say. But we're currently having a problem getting you to care about my opinion, so there's that.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

It was fear, wasn't it? Or it is fear, isn’t it? That seizes you whenever you think of her. Because you are starting to love her. Or you’re starting to be able to admit it. You've been fighting it off for a while, hoping that time will bring about an end to this, somehow. You hope that falling out of love with her is an inevitability. If you can only wait it out.

Now, I’m still not an expert. Maybe you're right. Maybe not. That part doesn't matter so much. So instead, can we talk about the part that does? Why are you so focused on this particular ending? Now, I'm not telling you how to live your life. Other people are. Okay, I am telling you to ignore them which is kind of like telling you how to live your life. In some small way. But that doesn't make me any less right. Ignore them. That's all I'll ever ask you to do. Ignore them. Focus on you. Focus on yourself. Breathe.  Focus on the time you stared down a bully that had escaped the playground. Or all the times you stare down your peers every week when they try to spill into your space.

No. You have not changed. You've grown more into yourself. And you are here. You spend so much time wondering where you have gone that your weary mind forgot to look in the mirror. It seems so obvious from this angle. Didn't your fear give you away? How could you be so desperate to protect something that isn't here? Something that has been destroyed and is long gone? Supposedly long gone.

That isn't so profound, I know. But there’s nothing about being an oracle in 2019 that is profound and noteworthy. I don’t care about me. I care about making you see. So look. There's parts of you all around. Just look. Ground yourself here. Take a breath. You are here. You are treasured. And you are loved.

But no one seems able to say it.

(Music fades out. Beep)