The cOver

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Oh hi! I’m MJ Bailey, and I write things. It just doesn’t always go too well. 

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Let me welcome you to yet another podcast. A nonfiction one, this time. Just wanted to be clear about that considering this voice you are hearing does a lot of fiction podcasting. 

But I guess that raises a follow up question. What is this podcast going to be? 

Well, there’s two possible answers to that question. On one hand, there’s the more literal description of what this show is supposed to be. This show is about a writer who is documenting her journey in writing. And it’s an open ended journey because that’s just how the life of a creative often goes. You’ve got your highs, you’ve got your lows. Sometimes there’s a pattern. More often than not, there isn’t. 

At this point, I’ve got a few podcasts and a couple books under my belt. So the more chaotic, desperately trying to figure out how to do stuff phase is behind me. But we’ve entered into the “wasn’t I supposed to feel more confident by now?” Or the “Wasn’t this release supposed to solve all my problems?” Or the “Why do I still feel like a little kid playing pretend at my dad’s old laptop?” stage.

And that actually leads to the second way of answering the question of subject matter, purpose, or general existence. This podcast is an answer to my general dysfunction. I’ve been writing for years, most of my life, in fact, but I still don’t feel like a writer. In therapy, I’ve had to face and start to believe that no one external cue is going to fix my imposter syndrome. It’s not going to help me be more confident in what I do or force me acknowledge that I’ve done a hell of a lot as a writer already. I mean I have how many podcasts? And two books released in one year. 

And yet, it doesn’t feel like I’ve done anything at all. It doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t feel like enough. 

It’s a sort of destructive thought that I’ve been working to unpack, on one hand. On the other, it does kind of feel like part of the creative process. It’s something everyone in this space deals with or has dealt with or will deal with. So that makes it part of the process, right? But for me, it’s been perpetual and perennial. It’s constant, and if I manage to escape it, I fall right back into it. 

Also, I want to immortalize my writing journey for anyone who might care about the history behind what I make. And that last bit seems pretty presumptuous, I know. But maybe I am the one who want to look back at this time in my life, right?

To tell you the truth, which will be a major part of this podcast’s foundation, I wish I had kept a journal when I was working on my first book. The first published one, not the first one I ever wrote. Although, I wonder about that experience too, but I was probably about nine or ten, so I’m going to give myself a whole lot of slack. I wish I had recorded my thoughts when I launched The Oracle of Dusk too. I wish I had better recorded my fears and doubts instead of having a vague recollection that those feelings existed. 

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Those were my parts of my moments of triumphant or resilience, and time has worn them away. They have faded from my memory, and I don’t really like that. But at this point, there’s also no way to undo that. What’s done is done. 

But okay, why podcasting? And that’s an interesting question. Because I’ve taken a lot of these thoughts and put some of them on my Medium blog when I was more active with that platform, so I know there are alternatives out there. 

But podcasting has become my home. It’s how I got started in the whole “sharing the things I make” department. It has fundamentally shaped my creative identity and priorities. And even though I’ve not had the same mental presence in that community I once did, I still adore it and everyone in it. I’m still grateful for all their support. And I’m still a better writer for my time with them.

And I wish I could better explain what I mean by that. But I don’t have a record of my thoughts, of the specifics, those moments that made me think I could actually do this. 

It’s not a surprise, really, that I didn’t think in the moment that I’d regret not recording my thoughts on the subject or my feelings on what was technically a huge step forward in my life. Historically, I’ve been the sort of person to run from my feelings. Or to otherwise hide from them in some way. Which seemed like a completely valid way to handle my emotions when they threatened to be overwhelming. Yeah my mental health has not been great historically, but it is slightly better now. The waves of regret are coming back though. I can’t do anything about the past, though. Just the future. So there’s this. 

So with that, I’m MJ Bailey, and I’m a writer, I guess. Whatever that means.

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The Writer’s Open Book is a podcast from Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, edited, and produced, by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. The logo was made by Keldor777 on Twitch. And to the Queen of Cups in my life, you know who you are, for helping me process so much of this writing journey and all the support. I couldn’t have done it without you.